When your tampon tries to run away

by VelvetFletcher on February 27, 2014

in Humour

I got my period for the first time in nearly two years. Let me tell you, sub fertility sucks, and while I was enjoying not bleeding like a slaughtered cow every month, eventually other things started to play up and BAM, back I go on the pill again.

After not having a period in a long time I thought I was prepared. Vauguely I remembered the pain (the motherfucking pain) and the heavy bleeding – endometriosis +PCOS are trying to kill me – but I thought it would be okay. I was on the pill. What was the worst that could happen?

Famous last words.

I stocked up on supplies. And by stocked up, I actually mean searched through my bathroom cabinet to make sure all the supplies were still there. Lots of tampons, rolling around in the back, from when I won a 12 month supply of tampons. Crappy prize, but who is complaining?

Wait, me. I am. Because they’re the worst tampons you’ve ever used in your life. They’re the kind of tampons you shred to make Christmas decorations, completely ignoring how expensive tampons are because fuck that shit. Fuck. That. Shit.

Clearly I’d forgotten how terrible the tampons were, because on day 2 I tried to insert one and it got stuck. How does a tube the size of your finger get stuck in a vagina? I’ll be fucked if I know, but there I was, trying to push it further and NOPE not going anywhere.

Waddling, I made my way to the cabinet again in search of some lube. Something. Anything. Have you ever heard of having to put lube on a goddamned tampon? Me either. But it happened.

Lubed up, I tried again. It went better – right until the tampon decided, like it had a mind of its own, to change direction and shoot back out of my vagina, skittering across the bathroom floor like a startled mouse.

I was glad my period was not heavy yet, because the only bloodstains I want to have to clean up should be in my writing. Jesus.

So there I was, contorted, trying to work out what was wrong with my vagina. I’m pretty familiar with my own body, but did I need to make a left turn? Had my cervix changed position? Was there suddenly a giant No Entry sign I’d missed?

I tried again. Different tampon, lube applied, assume the position.

And the same fucking thing happened.

I’m telling you now Internet, don’t buy Miss Dejour tampons. They’re crap. They’re worse than crap. They hate your vagina and they’ll make you wish you were rolling your own tampons out of sandpaper and scrunched up cardboard, because that would be less painful than having to use these.

I did what anyone would do in my situation.

I cried.

And then I found some other brand tampons to get me through while I demanded my husband go to the supermarket for me.

The rest of the week passed smoothly, with no more tampons shooting out of my vagina. Of course, I curled up and tried to die for three days, and when I got all dizzy and weird on day five I’m pretty sure it was actually from blood loss, but bygones.

I just need to work out what I’m going to do with the worst tampons in existence.

I’m thinking cat toys.

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