Resolution unlocked: Have more sex

by VelvetFletcher on January 2, 2014

in Flash Fiction,Humour

Woman in water by Ton Haex

The New Year bursts into the sky, shiny bright with fireworks and promising to be better than before. He strolls into my kitchen, beating his chest, proclaiming dominance over the coming months.

“TWENTYFOURTEEN” he screams, “It’s finally MY TIME.”

I roll my eyes at his Adonis like strutting and keep reading. There’s no room here for his ilk.

“Come on.” He glares at me. “Aren’t you a little excited?”

I drop my book and look up at him. “What is there to be excited about? A new year? Pffft. Boring. You’ll be all haggard and tarnished in a week. Just wait.”

He pouts. All the worst kind of people do.

“But I’m different! I’m TWENTYFOURTEEN.”

“Yes dear, of course you are. Now go and sit in the corner for a bit and I’ll talk to you when I’m ready.”

He looks like he wants to argue, but sits, sullen and sulking.

“Did I mention I’m brand new?” he asks.

I raise an eyebrow at him, and his face drops a little.

“It’s true though. I’m brand new. I’ve still got bubble wrap hanging around somewhere.”

Sighing, I put my book down. I knew I should have gone to bed an hour ago and left the great reveal for the morning when at least I had caffeine to buoy me up.

“So. You wanted to talk to me?”

His eyes light up. “Of course! It’s my job to hear about your resolutions. I’m a cheerleader, you know.”

God. Why were all the New Years like this? For once, I’d like a scruffy no nonsense kind of bloke to show up and tell me what was going to happen. Instead I kept getting golden boys prettier than I was hanging around my heels, telling me how awesome I was. And then on the 2nd of January, they’d all just disappear, like magic. POOF gone. Where were my cheerleaders in February when everything was hard again?

“Resolutions. God. I don’t know.” I paused, thinking. “Do you know, it was only last year I even started making resolutions? I’ve never been good at following the crowd.”

He looked pained. “I do know. You’re well known.”


Well then. I didn’t realise my bah humbug attitude would cause them so many issues.

He tapped his foot on the floor, waiting for me.

“Fine. I’ll make some resolutions this year.” I thought about it. “How about: Write more?”

He shook his head in disgust, hair flopping over his forehead.

“Not good enough?” I asked.

“What about lose weight? Or quit drinking? Or exercise more? Those are the normal things.” He replied.

“Yeah, but I bet they all fail after a week.”

He shrugged. “Sure they do, but it’s the thought that counts. And I get to cheer you on.”

“For like, two days.” I grumbled. “Also, are you saying I need to lose weight? Because that’s just rude.”

His eyes roamed over my body, making me feel slightly uncomfortable.

“Well I personally wouldn’t say you need to lose weight. But it’s the done thing. It’s expected.

I stuck my tongue out at him.

“I’m not losing weight. And I’m not quitting anything either. I like my lifestyle.”

I thought about it some more while I wondered what he looked like with his clothes off. Where exactly was he keeping his bubble wrap for instance? The thought of a bubble wrapped penis made me snicker out loud. He looked offended.

“I can tell what you’re thinking you know.”

“Really?” I was a little shocked. I hadn’t realised that the harbingers had mind reading powers.

“Of course.” He waggled his fingers at me. “Magic you know. We’re powerful in January.”

I blushed. Last year’s Adonis had been something else. I didn’t want to think about him seeing inside my head. This year’s Adonis tutted at me.

“Dude, if you can read my mind, why do you need me to tell you my resolutions? Why do we keep doing this every year?”

“Something something, actualisation of goals, something something, speaking things out loud makes them real?”

I rolled my eyes. Standard ‘ask and ye shall receive’ crap. Imagine it, and receive it.

“It’s crap I know, but I’m just doing my job. Speak the words and I can leave.”

Oh great. I’d managed to offend the New Year already. That must be a record for me. Fine. I’d go along with it, and then … I pictured Pretty Boy over there in bed with me as hard as I could. I wanted to know if the mind reading was real. His eyebrows shot right up as his cheeks coloured slightly. Huh. What do you know.

“Fine. Here are my resolutions: Have more good sex.” I winked at him and he looked interested. “Write more. Read more. That’s it.”

“That’s it?”

I nodded and he breathed a sigh of relief. His job here was done. Or maybe not.

“You know, you’re meant to help me achieve my goals, right?” I let my voice trail off.

“I am. You’re right.”

“So technically, anything we do tonight counts as ‘helping’, doesn’t it?” I smiled at him, and leaned forwards, granting him a view of my cleavage. His eyes glazed over slightly. “Come on pretty boy. Let’s ring in the New Year properly.”

He smiled.

Standing, I led the way to my bedroom. This New Year was going to be the best one yet.

[image source]


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