I shouldn’t be allowed in the kitchen unsupervised before I’ve had tea.

by VelvetFletcher on October 30, 2013

in Humour,Writer Life

I’m an accident prone kind of girl. Walking across an empty room, I can manage to fall flat on my face, and walk into a door, all without breaking a sweat. Unless it’s pain sweat, in which case, I’m all over it.

It’s worse when I’m tired, as the bruises all over my legs can attest, or when I’m half asleep and stumbling out of bed to let a stupid cat inside.

No sir, I haven’t been having kinky interesting sex, I’ve just been merely existing on a steady physical diet of jarred shins and things dropped in my lap.

Not sexy, at all.

This morning was utter chaos.

I reached up to get a container off the top shelf, knocking a smaller container onto a box of batteries. In slow motion, the batteries fell onto the top of the freshly filled and boiled kettle, knocking it over sideways. The plastic holding the batteries together exploded, sending 24 AA’s all over my kitchen bench like tiny red missiles seeking destruction.

Trying to avoid burning myself in the splattered water, I managed to knock the stick blender on the floor, overturn the toaster and tread on the cat.

And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, all the plastic containers slid off the shelf and landed on my head. To be fair, they weren’t stacked well to begin with.

My husband found me standing there, a pool of cooling water soaking my socks. Plastic containers surrounded me, thrown around like some kind of Tupperware volcano had erupted

“What on earth happened here?” he asked, looking incredulous at the amount of mess I’d created in a very small amount of time.

“Never mind that.” I replied, throwing my hands up in the air in a celebratory fashion. “I DIDN’T SPILL BOILING WATER ALL DOWN MY FRONT.” I cheered again, for good measure. “I’m totally winning.”

It took three tea towels, a sponge, and fifteen minutes to clean up the mess.

But I still won.

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