Go home people, the Internet is full

by VelvetFletcher on January 21, 2014

in People are annoying

Go home, the Internet is full. Take your blog and go. Yes, you over there. This means you too. I can see you hiding there, behind your jumble of hoarded words.

We’ve been told we’re merely contributing to the morass of text clogging up the Internet.

So that’s it.

The Internet is full, go home.

Those of you with university degrees can stay in this special corner, but the rest of us are out of luck.

Turn the light off on your way out. No, I don’t care how many books you’ve published. You’re not a Real Writer because an intellectual on the Internet said you’re not. Stop arguing with me.

Oh. Wait. We’re still here? You can’t pull the plug?


Well. This is unexpected. Yes, stop shoving in the back. I am sure there is room for everyone. Can you hear me back there? Calm down. Stop throwing exclamation marks at her. I said stop it.

Jesus wept, you’re behaving like children.

Okay, okay. Is this thing on? Someone pass me a soapbox to stand on. Yes, thank you. No, that’s perfect.

Tap tap tap. Can you hear me? Good.


Dearest Internet. It has been brought to my attention that the Internet is full. We’ve been clogging up the system, and like a good little blockage, we’re just going to have to clear out.

I know. I can hear you laughing. I don’t believe it either.

The Internet is a beautiful thing. In amidst the dirt and grime, she shines like polished diamonds. Beautiful people, speaking beautiful words. Inspiration. Uplifting quotes. Amazing writers.

I am a firm believer that writers, write. That’s it. If you call yourself a writer, and you write things, it’s good enough for me.

But the spit sneer cough of pseudo-intellectuals who want to label everyone in their neat boxes, who call people “hobbyists” with derision, who want to cut everyone down only to dance on their heads like a macabre demon, they disagree.

For them, you walk the paths. You pay your dues and do your time, proving you can complete assignments on time, and write to a formula predetermined by the tastes of the lecturer.

You do it right, or you don’t do it at all.

The Internet, with the great vast expanse of possibility makes their bowels clench and their stomach churn. The idea of the masses having a say in things, oh, someone bring them a peasant to behead post-haste.

We’re playing in the wild west and it makes them uncomfortable.

How dare writers self-publish? Don’t you know publishing is there for a reason? That gatekeepers exist to keep scum like you out?

Spit sneer cough.


It’s a wankfest circlejerk designed to make some people feel better about themselves. Oh, baby, yes you’re a Real Writer. I see your PhD hanging there on the wall. Oh yes, touch me harder, harder, harder…..



This is why people are so offended at genre fiction.

“But it’s not good!” they exclaim.

Who are you to define good? Who am I?

Real Writers, in their eyes, labour over a work of literary fiction for years, carefully polishing every sandy sentence until it gleams.

“I’d prefer to write one good paragraph a day, rather than 10k words I have to delete.” they cry, glaring at prolific authors, ignoring entirely that practise is the only real way to get good at something, and writing more is never a bad thing.

I am a writer, because I write. End of story.

I don’t need a degree, or a magical wishing elf, or a special cap, or an office cat. I don’t need a degree to validate what I enjoy doing.

I don’t need to procrastinate around fulfilling someone else’s idea of the perfect path to follow.

I can just do it.

So no. I don’t think I will stop calling myself a writer, and you’re adorable if you think you get to define me by your own standards. I’ll just be in this corner over here, writing books, telling stories, and sending them out into the world.

Thank you.

Yes, you can take the soapbox now. Everyone back to their corners. Someone sweep up this mess. Jesus, we were only here for five minutes, how did that even happen?

Comments on this entry are closed.


1 Skye Perkins February 4, 2014 at 11:26 am

I see words and they’re grouped together to make, oh my would you look at that, sentences. By golly I think you’ve figured out what to do to become a writer.

On the side I have only just discovered you today and am already in love with your writing.

2 VelvetFletcher February 4, 2014 at 4:38 pm

Thank you so much! Suddenly writing doesn’t feel like such a lonely endeavour.

3 Erica Enriquez February 4, 2014 at 1:17 pm

Love this. Also saw your article on The Shake. I get paid (poorly) for my writing and also manage a pretty useless blog, but I’m a writer because I write.

Keep on keeping on! 🙂

4 VelvetFletcher February 4, 2014 at 4:39 pm

I get paid for some of my writing, and do the bulk of it for love. Still a writer, in all cases.

Thank you for following my Shake links!

5 Luke Devine March 21, 2014 at 2:37 am

You’ve identified me as an intellectual and a pseudo intellectual, both are contradictory nouns and neither are emblematic of who I am or what I said. Feel free to use either as an adjective in relation to me as I exhibit both qualities, though neither are representative of the whole. I don’t know who your audience is Velvet but this post is undulating and emotional. I don’t care whose holes you write about as long as you do it well. I’m confused as to why you’re so attached to defending those who can’t or don’t write well. Your position seems to be that we need crap writing on the internet?

6 VelvetFletcher March 21, 2014 at 10:21 am

Oh dear, oh dear dear dear. Thank you so much for coming over here and mansplaining to me how I’m doing it all wrong. I honestly would never have known what my position was on writing and writers without a man to tell me where I stood.

Slow clap for Luke everybody. Slow clap. Someone has appointed himself Judge Of Writing Quality On The Internet and we all need to heed his words.

7 Austin Castiglion March 21, 2014 at 10:38 am

Sorry what has “mansplaining” got to with it?

8 VelvetFletcher March 21, 2014 at 10:42 am
9 Austin Castiglion March 21, 2014 at 11:09 am

I know what mansplaining is, but isn’t it a cheap way to shut down an argument by saying “I’m a woman, you’re a man, shut up”?

10 VelvetFletcher March 21, 2014 at 11:18 am

Wait, is this an argument? I thought I was rather kindly allowing you to have an opinion in my space.

11 Really A bloke March 21, 2014 at 11:04 am

You and Luke should date. Did I write that good?

12 Luke Devine March 21, 2014 at 11:18 am

Yeah my gender doesn’t invalidate my argument or bolster yours. The term ‘mansplaining’ does suggest your a misandrist though. I suppose that fits with the objectification of men that occurs in female erotica. I’ve given you enough consultation Velvet do with it what you will.

13 VelvetFletcher March 21, 2014 at 11:20 am


And objectification of men? HAHAHAHAAAAAA. Oh god. I’m dying.

14 Luke Devine March 21, 2014 at 11:26 am

As much as Australians dig ‘feelpinions’ you’ve yet to supply a lucid counter argument. I’d like to convinced of the veracity of your view beyond these emotional soundbytes. Take some time with this.

15 VelvetFletcher March 21, 2014 at 11:26 am

Also, out of curiosity, do you normally have such an antagonistic response to your colleagues? Or is it just that I write erotica?

16 Luke Devine March 21, 2014 at 11:32 am

It’s the ethos that I take exception to. Not the content.

17 Josh Dubrau March 21, 2014 at 11:20 am

I’m both a writer (poet, academic – small amount of publications) and a tertiary lecturer. I don’t think you have considered how universities teach writing very deeply at all. I spend hours each week, and each semester ensuring that while my course is designed to showcase particular examples of types of writing, it primarily gives my students a space, both mental and physical, to learn to think for themselves, to offer sound, rational and insightful criticism and most importantly to think for themselves about what they write and how they write it. If you weren’t so busy distancing yourself from formal education, you might find this out for yourself.

18 VelvetFletcher March 21, 2014 at 11:37 am

Surely you’ve got better things to spend your time on then, rather than hanging around splitting hairs on a tiny erotica website?

My point was merely, anyone can call themselves a writer. But it’s people like you who’d prefer we didn’t – regardless of how much money we make doing it.

19 Luke Devine March 21, 2014 at 11:43 am

No one can call you out can they! You just wave the finger like ‘uh uh ‘

I can’t do it. I’m used to requiring and providing a rationale. Get one! It will make you much more credible.

20 Josh Dubrau March 21, 2014 at 12:01 pm

No, Velvet, because I don’t prioritise ‘great’ works of fiction over tiny little erotica websites, I don’t have ‘better’ things to. I thought that was your main problem with academics. And I just found your post really offensive. So I exercised my right to comment which is what I love about blogs.

21 Josh Dubrau March 21, 2014 at 12:04 pm

And I don’t care how much money you make, or what you call yourself. I’m too busy finding my g-spot. I find the tip of the ivory tower really scratches that itch : )

22 Marjory Flooglepants March 21, 2014 at 11:55 am

Velvet, Velvet, Velvet, how many times do I have to tell you, DO NOT play with the intellectuals, they get so stale, so quickly.

23 Rollo March 21, 2014 at 11:59 am

Oh Velvet, Velvet, Velvet. My poor girl. What to say?

You were under that impression that writers, write? Ha! Us gate-keepers exist for a reason, and that is to ensure standards are met. It is to ensure that nom de plumes such as ‘Velvet Fletcher’ never make it to press. That is why I exist. I am the world of authority, prestige and legitimacy.

I am the pretty girl whose Daddy is a heart surgeon, that never had to try. I released a best-seller only last month, and all of the major magazines are clamouring to publish my work. When I write fiction, they call me a ‘writer of striking sensuality.’ Whereas you are little better than a pornographer, peddling smut to the masses of the internet.

I am the man in a business suit, with an expensive briefcase, who didn’t acknowledge you in the street. I work at a publishing house, and instruct my secretary to send out rejection letters without even reading the manuscript. I cheat on my wife with a mistress, and laugh about it over expensive wine of an evening.

I am your dear, sweet Mother secretly tut tutting over Velvet’s ‘lifestyle choices,’ telling her school friends that you’re a ‘journalist’ rather than sharing the sad, sordid truth.

I am every hope and dream of yours, crushed Velvet.

Now and only now are you a writer, that writes.

24 PBC March 21, 2014 at 12:47 pm

This post, and the comments above (beneath?), could be summarised as such:
Australians simulate relevance on a blog.
You’re welcome.

25 Ben Wilson March 21, 2014 at 4:07 pm

Love it Velvet, you certainly do have a way with words 😀

26 Caitlin Still March 22, 2014 at 10:16 am

This is gloriously butthurt.

1. Writing may make a writer, but it doesn’t necessarily make a good writer.
2. Self-publishing is a very expensive way to ensure your book is never read. Editors may be dickheads, but they are more qualified than you (or a vanity press who simply wants your money) to decide whether or not your work is worth publishing.
3. On people who study: what do you think they do during the years of their degree, sit there and twiddle their thumbs? They encounter ideas it would not have occurred to them to look for. They write. They get feedback. A degree may not ensure a brilliant career, but only people without them say they are useless in the writing world.

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